Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
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last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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