well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Send help, water and tortillas.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
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