Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
