in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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