if i can run in heels then i can drive
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
not ubering you a puppy
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
