Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
