the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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