I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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