before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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