I hate your face
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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