Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
