I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
