K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
