And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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