I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect