I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
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I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
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Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.