It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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