ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
should my penis look like a turkey
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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