you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
