Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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