I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
