3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
