It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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