we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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