I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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