Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
