I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Randomize
