I need help removing her.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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