hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
