Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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