the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
