my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
