Your dad touched me again.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Mom said you looked used
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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