i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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