garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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