he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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