false alarm. still invincible.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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