Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
