If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
