the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
