you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
