i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
