toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
