walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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