The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
