Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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