Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
