everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz