does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
