i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
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So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
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When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter