You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
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I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
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When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING