I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
