Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
