So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
