so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
