So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
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still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
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Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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