Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
