We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
