Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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